I am tired. My head aches. I am sad.
So far, the most difficult challenge is to remain cheerful. I feel like a clown - wearing a mask that hides what I truly feel inside. Interior cheerfulness is very difficult to maintain. Why Lord of all problems did you give me this one?
Ate was hardly responsive today. She gave me a few half or rather quarter smiles today at Kindermusik during the Hop Up song. It is probably the motion that she enjoys when I lift her up. When it was time to sing the song "You are My Sunshine" I didn't sing it because I didn't want to cry in public again. I knew I'd feel shi*tty.
I find there are so many things to do that could help her. Physical Therapy, Kindermusik, Mozart Sonata K488, Mozart Concerto K488, a lot of hugging and kissing and talking to her, a lot of breastmilk. I need to give her as much breastmilk as I can because that is the highest source of brain food. Even that simple task I find difficult because .... I tire easily. I have to keep up with her sleeping hours.
I feel I have no time to socialize for myself. Not that I am complaining. I wouldn't mind giving up my alone time if only she could just smile at me.
I wish I had other problems. I prayed to the Lord to show me my path to heaven. Now I find myself praying for an alternative path. Sh*t. This has yet been a sh*tty week. Simbang gabi has started and I just can't feel Christmas coming.
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