December 15, 2009
SH*T! Michelle was right... I'm not yet done crying. Today is Ate's 6th month birthday. And I just couldn't bring myself to sing her Happy Birthday.
I remember the first day we found out about Ate's GDD and microcephaly, we found it hard to start the prayer that night. Hubs and I take turns leading the prayer and we always start with the words, "Thank you Lord for today..." Because we were not very thankful to the Lord that day. That day sucked. And today is another lousy day. My child's half year birthday was somewhat a sad day for me.
Often it is difficult to stay positive. My husband reminded me last night to keep on talking to Ate because she can hear me. She just may not appear to respond like she used to. When hubs would rub his nose to her nose, she would laugh. Last night it was as if nothing was happening. We sing, we talk, we carry, we even touch her face. And she won't react. Just keep doing it - is what hubs would remind me. It's not as easy because it all seems so useless.
But I know it isn't. It's just difficult. What's going on in that brain of my child? In the literal and figurative sense. Damn those damaged neurons! Sending electric signals when they're not supposed to. And can she feel / know that hubs and I love her so much? When we touch her is it just her skin feeling it, or is her brain telling her that her mommy is holding her.
Yesterday she had 63 spasms in 1 cluster and as I counted pass 40 I had to hold her. I normally place her on her side as advised so she can breath a little easier. But when the spasm did not start to wane and just became more intense, I felt scared. Sh*t I say again! I'm losing my baby. I wonder what is more painful. To lose her this way as her brain becomes more damaged at every seizure, or to lose her to sudden infant death. Sh*t! Why did I even think of that?! At least the Lord has given me a chance to live with her.
Today I am sad and I am angry. It was not a happy birthday. Tomorrow we have Kindermusik - that might be better.
Reading text encouraging text messages sent to me before might help.... (besides, time to delete them for more phone memory space)...
18 Nov 2009 4:26am from Papa
Good a.m. Fr. Rocky.. This is Des Racho. Can u please tell me the schedule of Fr. Fernando Suarez. When and where are his next Healing Masses? When will he tennis again? I need a miracles - a BIG MIRACLE - for my five-month grand daughter ATE! Three doctors: a pediatrist, a pediatric neurologist, and and opthalmologist-neurologist hev each n separately examine her. They said that ATE's growth - of the brain, head, neck, n motor skills are very late. And that "at the age of twenty years, she may grow to be like ten years old"., Fr. Rocky, I need your prayers for a MIRACLE!
18 Nov 2009 7:44am from Papa
Reply of Fr. Rocky Aquino SVD, President of St Jude School near Malacanang - Fr. Suarez played tennis with them last Fri where I met him. I tennis with Fr. Rocky every now n then, doubles..: Sa monday po and healing nya, after tennis.
18 Nov 2009 8:48am from Z
Hey there. I just talked to French. Hang in there. We're all praying for Anya, u and hubs. I wont call u up now so u can rest. Pls rest. I'm sure you haven't had any sleep yet. Just know that randy and i are here to help in watever way we can. If i need to talk to julie to know more about GDD, just let me know. Take care and pls call me up anytime if u want to talk.
18 Nov 2009 11:43am from Evea
Hi. Talked to agatha already. I'll call you tomorrow so you can rest na tonight. Keep praying and be strong. With a lot of help and aggressive therapy Ate will do better. I can't imagine what you're feeling but always remember that Ate's condition is nobodys fault and He must have a special mission for Ate and you. Everytime you put Ate to sleep, always whisper to her to pray to make her a strong baby. He's always listening to His little angels :)
SH*T! Michelle was right... I'm not yet done crying. Today is Ate's 6th month birthday. And I just couldn't bring myself to sing her Happy Birthday.
I remember the first day we found out about Ate's GDD and microcephaly, we found it hard to start the prayer that night. Hubs and I take turns leading the prayer and we always start with the words, "Thank you Lord for today..." Because we were not very thankful to the Lord that day. That day sucked. And today is another lousy day. My child's half year birthday was somewhat a sad day for me.
Often it is difficult to stay positive. My husband reminded me last night to keep on talking to Ate because she can hear me. She just may not appear to respond like she used to. When hubs would rub his nose to her nose, she would laugh. Last night it was as if nothing was happening. We sing, we talk, we carry, we even touch her face. And she won't react. Just keep doing it - is what hubs would remind me. It's not as easy because it all seems so useless.
But I know it isn't. It's just difficult. What's going on in that brain of my child? In the literal and figurative sense. Damn those damaged neurons! Sending electric signals when they're not supposed to. And can she feel / know that hubs and I love her so much? When we touch her is it just her skin feeling it, or is her brain telling her that her mommy is holding her.
Yesterday she had 63 spasms in 1 cluster and as I counted pass 40 I had to hold her. I normally place her on her side as advised so she can breath a little easier. But when the spasm did not start to wane and just became more intense, I felt scared. Sh*t I say again! I'm losing my baby. I wonder what is more painful. To lose her this way as her brain becomes more damaged at every seizure, or to lose her to sudden infant death. Sh*t! Why did I even think of that?! At least the Lord has given me a chance to live with her.
Today I am sad and I am angry. It was not a happy birthday. Tomorrow we have Kindermusik - that might be better.
Reading text encouraging text messages sent to me before might help.... (besides, time to delete them for more phone memory space)...
18 Nov 2009 4:26am from Papa
Good a.m. Fr. Rocky.. This is Des Racho. Can u please tell me the schedule of Fr. Fernando Suarez. When and where are his next Healing Masses? When will he tennis again? I need a miracles - a BIG MIRACLE - for my five-month grand daughter ATE! Three doctors: a pediatrist, a pediatric neurologist, and and opthalmologist-neurologist hev each n separately examine her. They said that ATE's growth - of the brain, head, neck, n motor skills are very late. And that "at the age of twenty years, she may grow to be like ten years old"., Fr. Rocky, I need your prayers for a MIRACLE!
18 Nov 2009 7:44am from Papa
Reply of Fr. Rocky Aquino SVD, President of St Jude School near Malacanang - Fr. Suarez played tennis with them last Fri where I met him. I tennis with Fr. Rocky every now n then, doubles..: Sa monday po and healing nya, after tennis.
18 Nov 2009 8:48am from Z
Hey there. I just talked to French. Hang in there. We're all praying for Anya, u and hubs. I wont call u up now so u can rest. Pls rest. I'm sure you haven't had any sleep yet. Just know that randy and i are here to help in watever way we can. If i need to talk to julie to know more about GDD, just let me know. Take care and pls call me up anytime if u want to talk.
18 Nov 2009 11:43am from Evea
Hi. Talked to agatha already. I'll call you tomorrow so you can rest na tonight. Keep praying and be strong. With a lot of help and aggressive therapy Ate will do better. I can't imagine what you're feeling but always remember that Ate's condition is nobodys fault and He must have a special mission for Ate and you. Everytime you put Ate to sleep, always whisper to her to pray to make her a strong baby. He's always listening to His little angels :)
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