5:30pm anticipated mass. It’s the first time hubs and I heard mass without Ate in tow. I feel comfortable leaving her with Oma and Wowo while we’re out.
We’ve been living with Oma and Wowo for a week now. It should have been just for a day while hubs is at work so I won’t be alone with Ate. And then I’d go home at night. But hubs has been going home late since he had several meetings in the evening.
It’s a comfort to see Ate loved by so many.
At mass, the priest talked about how we should be like children – trusting and giving full abandonment to God. Young children trust their parents completely and abandon their lives to their parents.
Oh how I shed tears during the homily. How annoyed I was! How angry I became! At first I was angry with the seizures and the medical condition of Ate. I was angry that before we left the house for mass, Ate had an attack. And before the attack, she was showing me little smiles. At least she looked like she was smiling at the toy I was waving in front of her. And then the seizure took her away from me. She was there! Present! And she had to have an attack! I know she trusts all those who love her. And being a helpless child (with or without seizures) she gives full abandonment to us.
Lord, ako na lang! Ako na lang bigyan mo ng seizure. Ako na lang bigyan mo ng brain malformation. Don’t let her suffer. Her body gets tired! Bwisit! Bwisit kayong lahat! Bwisit ka Lord! Punyeta ka! Tang-ina ka… Am sorry Lord. I am angry. Please allow me to feel anger. She is innocent. Life is not just. There is injustice in her life. Am also sorry Mama Mary pati ikaw na mura ko.
After mass, a few minutes at the Blessed Sacrament did me some good. Okay Lord, I’m listening. Tell me. What do I need to hear? God told me loud and clear, and very quickly, only 2 sentences because He knew I wanted to get home to Ate as soon as possible in case she needed me.
There is no Joy without Suffering. There is no Suffering without Joy.
Am not sure which sentence came first. But how I typed it up is most likely how it came to me. Joyous Suffering? Suffering Joy? Are there such things? Okay fine. I know that from my High School upbringing. After a while the word suffer soon disappeared.
Ate does not suffer. I do not suffer. At least not in the way it is defined in the dictionary. There may be pain. But it is hard to explain. She willingly goes through the pain with joy in her heart. How can I tell that? She lives to serve God and so do I. I need to go through this with joy in my heart that this gives glory to God. And if I believe and know that, then Ate will believe and know that. For now, much of Ate’s fate lies on my Faith. Or sometimes, it’s the other way round. Ate’s pure Faith guides me. Can she have pure Faith? She cannot reason. I know she can think, she just can’t express herself. I need to have Faith.
Tonight as she slept, I asked the Lord to increase my Faith. Give me strength and courage to carry on your duty. Help purify me so that I can be a better servant.
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