Anya's Gift: Double the JOY!

Ate’s gift to me: To double the JOY

An introduction to my upcoming pregnancy journal . . . (which really helps with all the stress you know!)

“…here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--ignorance, cruelty, prejudice--and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side.”  -- The Special Mother by Erma Bombeck

It is true that parents of special children appreciate things more.  For a time I believed that I share the same joy as parents of normal children when they see their child hit certain milestones.  But my friend corrected me, “We have double the joy.  We appreciate it more because it is no ordinary feat for our children to accomplish.”

Special children have a different perspective in life.  That’s a given.  And somehow they teach their parents to change their own perspective in life too.

My nature-path asked me how I am with this second pregnancy.  It was a sincere, “How are you?” question.  And a very simple question that has often lost it’s depth and sincerity. 

HOW AM I?  Before I answer that, let me give a short background…

“What are my feelings?”  That’s different from, “What are my thoughts?”  Since I am more of a cerebral person, it was difficult to get in touch with my feelings.  What I’m thinking is what I’m feeling right?  Not necessarily.  It was good that I had my head straight when news of Ate’s special condition came about.  We didn’t waste a day in research and finding the therapists and needed help.  Sometimes I was in denial, but I had done all the research I could possibly do.  I even went to see a cochlear implant company when we agreed that invasive operation was the last thing we would want to do for Ate.  Still, I did my due diligence of research since I believed the more informed we were, the better we could decide.  And if I had spent days crying and denying Ate’s diagnosis, then Ate would not probably be developing the way she is now.

Still, I could not get in touch with my feelings.  I felt like I had to be speed train – focused, consistent, on track and on time (with our own timeline of course).  I had forgotten to appreciate the inch-pebbles that would lead to milestones.

Now Ate has very good head control, she can sit with minimum support, she can walk with a lot of support, she is slowly using her elbows to prop herself up, and she can definitely see beyond 6 inches.  She has momentary eye contact and smiles at you in that brief moment.  She understands and uses her charm on us.  She complains when she is not comfortable or when she has therapy.  She laughs when she is delighted especially when she is being cuddled and smothered with kisses.

I was feeding her on her (borrowed) Bumbo seat one evening and left the red tissue box on her right side.  I noticed she kept looking down on her right.  I thought it was just her head preference.  I picked up the red tissue box and her eyes and head followed.  I moved it in front of her to the left and to the right.  Up and down.  In a big circle.  About 2 feet away.  And her eyes and head followed.  She can see the red tissue box!  She CAN SEE 2 feet away!  I called her daddy and everyone else in the house.  We repeated the whole thing and they were so delighted.  She was more than a year old at this time.  Normal children would be able to see 2 feet away before they turn 6 months.  Oh what joy it brought us.  What double the joy!

So how am I with this pregnancy?  I am EXTREMELY EXCITED!

For a time I thought it was wrong for me to put undue pressure on our second child always asking him (because we thought it was a boy then) to be the caretaker of Ate.  We would ask our unborn child that he would be like the older brother instead of the younger brother of Anya.  And that he would help her, teach her and guide her.  Then I would mention that I was looking forward to seeing him reach his milestones on time or ahead of time.  I felt a little guilty for a while thinking that it was hurtful for Ate to know that I will be waiting with great anticipation for the milestones our second baby will reach.  Because I never asked it from Ate or I don’t expect it in a timely manner.  What I mean is according to the timeline set by society after many years of studying normal child development.

I am excited to see our second baby’s milestones.  What would the joy be like when our second baby has a long eye to eye contact?  When she (yes it’s a girl based on the most recent ultrasound) starts to prop her head up with her arms?  When she starts to crawl?  When she coos and says her first word?  When she slowly lifts herself up and starts walking?  When she holds on to a toy and knows how to play with it?  These are things we look forward to because these are the simple things we have yet to see in Ate.  I thought I was hurting Ate for thinking this way.

But I had to be told, “That is Ate’s gift to you.  Without you knowing it, you’ve already had a paradigm shift.  Ate has taught you how to appreciate things more.  She has been preparing you for this second baby.”  I shed a tear when I was told this.

“You have to learn to appreciate yourself more, mommy.  For the person you have become because of Ate.  She has changed you in so many ways.  When someone compliments you, learn to accept it.”

So how do I feel?  I am OVERJOYED!  Overwhelmed by the joy!  I love Ate more each day.  She is teaching me to love myself more each day, to love my husband more each day because I just realized that he feels as I do and just has a different way of coping with it.  And we are loving our unborn child more each day.  Excited, not worried or anxious, and confident that God will provide not just our growing financial need, but also the growth in our faith and trust that we will have all the love (and more!) that we need for this happy growing family.