When Anya was hospitalized

When we were rushing to bring Ate to the hospital, mom told my dad to make sure that Ate receives the Anointing of the Sick. I didn’t think she’d need it because I was pretty sure Ate would survive pneumonia. But my dad assured mom that even God were to take Anya, she would go straight to heaven because she’s so pure and innocent. I never thought I’d lose her.


It wasn’t until her 4th or 5th day of confinement when I thought that I could lose her, She was getting well from pneumonia but she had to be given extra medication to prevent ulcer and steroids to open up pathways to her lungs for the phlegm to get out. It’s these complications that happen that could break her. I had feared that her strength would wane before the medicines took effect. And then I cried.

I could not bear the idea that she would be taken so early from me. In her first few months, when she was going through physical pain from her violent seizures, and when I was going through pain thinking that she would live life as an invalid, I had thought that death would be a better alternative. At least for a split second. But I remembered what a friend said, that Ate’s condition is better than other children who have terminal illness. The parents knew that time with their child would soon come to an end. Their sorrow would eventually stop, but so would their joys.

Ate gives me so much joy. Even when she was not reacting to us she still somehow managed to make me happy. It’s kinda hard to keep playing with someone if they have no reaction. Somewhat like autistic children, they don’t seem to care about you. My friend told me too that she would rather have a child with cerebral palsy than a child with autism since they live in their own world. They’re with you, but at the same time they’re not.


Whatever the case, I can’t bear losing Ate. So I cried and cried alone that night since my husband was in the hospital with her and I couldn’t stay with them. I apologized to my baby inside me. I asked him to forgive me for the sorrow I felt that could have affected his development while inside me. He’s a strong baby I know. I talked to him because I had no one else to talk to and he was the best person to talk to at that time. He knew how I felt and probably shared in the sorrow too. I told him not to bear it on himself. Well, that night he was kicking and moving around me and trying to make me feel happy, And assured! And I did feel that. More than his kicks and spins inside me, I felt his love and comfort.

I worry too – I think too much – if I have enough love to show to both my children and my husband. Love is deep and as long as I am anchored in the Lord, I’ll have all the source I need. But on the human plane, will I have enough energy and time (or time management skills) to give them the kind of love and attention they need from me? I hope so! Guardian angel, please help me!

It’s been 2 weeks since we have been out of the hospital and Ate is looking good. Even her 1st session with Pablo Beelen was very good. He promised that she will walk, run and most likely go to elementary school. I think she can do more. I have to believe it.